The Pros and Cons of Twitter Blue for Me, Jesus, Son of God

Here’s the thing, this is an important choice, one that I should have made by now. My tried and trusted techniques for making tough decisions haven’t helped me out — walking around a garden at odd hours, taking a nap on a boat in the middle of a storm — so I’m resorting to a more conventional approach: a pros and cons list. Let’s give it a go.

Pros

• Rihanna and Taylor Swift, cultural trailblazers just like me, have a blue check mark!

Cons

• Eh, Mark Driscoll and Tucker Carlson are also subscribed to Twitter Blue.

• Eight dollars may not seem like much for Jesus “Abundant Life” Christ, but I actually don’t have many liquid assets; most of my investments are wrapped up in hope, love, lilies, that kind of thing. Besides, to access my accounts, I have to go through this really annoying two-factor authentication process EVERY TIME: Even after I enter one of my go-to passwords (some variation on WWJD?33 or John3:16!) I can’t access the funds until the trees of the field clap their hands to the tune of “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed.

• All who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

• Given my preferential option for the poor, would it seem kinda hypocritical of me to pay a billionaire for a blue check mark? Would I accidentally breathe new life into the prosperity gospel? I’ve tried REALLY hard over the years to be a man of the people.

• There is no longer Jew or Greek; there is no longer slave or free; there is no longer male and female, there is no longer verified or unverified for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

• Why is it a check mark anyway? Why not choose a cool symbol like a mustard seed or a coin or a tree clapping its hands to the baseline of early-2000s post-grunge God rock?

• It’s easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than it is for a man with a check mark to enter the kingdom of God. Okay, maybe that’s taking it too far? I’m trying to be provocative.

• Perhaps my checkmark will just reappear after being gone for three days.