'Tis the Season for Family Boundaries

When holiday lights started replacing political signs, I was deeply relieved.

This political season was hard; after four years watching rights get stripped away from people who are vulnerable, so many of us — including those of us who are LGBTQIA — felt our civil rights were on the line. So when the lights went up in my community somewhere between Election Day and Thanksgiving, a little earlier than normal, I felt hope. Even the really obnoxious displays of inflatable holiday decorations got a smile out of me this year.

Yet, I don’t live with the illusion that the holidays are cheery for everyone. Many of us find ourselves interacting with family and friends who do not have the same values we do. As a lesbian Christian and ordained pastor, navigating relationships with people I care about who have different values is part of my daily life, but during the holidays it seems especially amplified.

Here are four practical reflections that have helped me navigate discomfort in difficult relationships. I hope they serve as tools for you as you discern your boundaries with people you care about.

1. I do not compromise my personal dignity.

Dignity is the soul-knowledge that I am worthy of love and respect. Audre Lorde said, “Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me.” John Calvin said, “Without knowledge of self, there is no knowledge of God.” One of the most important roles for any of us in this world is to know and be in relationship with ourself; all of our other relationships flow from this soul-knowledge.

When we treat ourselves in a way that honors our dignity, we also show our family and friends how we want them to treat us. Anytime we bifurcate ourselves to fit someone else's image of who we are because they can't accept us, it diminishes our dignity. I know how hard it is to navigate non-affirming family members; I know the losses and freedoms involved in being true to yourself. But if we hide pieces of who we are to be welcomed by family or friends, we are hurting ourselves. Dignity means we can stand on our own even when people we love think differently — and that comes from prioritizing our own healing and self-knowledge.

This holiday season, ask yourself: How will I honor my dignity and model how I want others to treat me?

2. With family who are not affirming, I set the boundaries.

When my wife and I were about to be married, I sat down with a family member who is not affirming and who I love. I took a lot of time before we met together to decide how I wanted to be in relationship with this family member. Though I did indeed want a relationship with this family member, I knew that relationship would need boundaries.

When my wife and I got married, I told this family member that she was completely welcome to attend our wedding but I would not be sending her an invite she could reject; instead, she would have to ask me to come to the wedding. She did not come and I did not feel rejected. I set the boundaries of how I wanted to be in relationship with her and those boundaries allow me to have a soft place of love for her in my heart.

Ask yourself: What do I need to honor the fullness of my dignity? How will I choose to communicate that?

3. If friends or family are interested in honest conversation, I engage.

I love talking with people who think differently than me. It helps me understand what I really believe. If someone wants to have an honest conversation in my friends or family, I welcome that. I think all people who honestly engage in conversation leave that conversation changed somehow. It takes vulnerability and openheartedness to listen. These are good and holy qualities.

But, if someone isn’t interested in listening and only wants a “gotcha” moment, then I refrain; after all, that is not a conversation—it’s manipulation. Again, this is about honoring your dignity: Choosing to refrain from dishonest conversation is a way to honor your dignity.

Ask yourself: Are there family members who are able to have honest conversations or are real conversations impossible this year?

4. Am I honoring my integrity? Am I honoring my neighbor’s integrity?

I am not responsible for anyone’s beliefs or choices except my own. My integrity along with my dignity are some of the most important values for me.

A prayer I often find myself praying is, “God help me understand what my right-sized space is for this conversation.” We don’t need to shrink, nor do we need to overcompensate and become larger than we are. Integrity is the hard work of knowing my right-sized space that is good for me and the friends and family I am in relationship with. That might mean refraining from visiting family. I think each person and each situation requires reflection.

Ask yourself: Am I honoring my integrity? How will I choose to act to also honor my neighbor’s integrity?

While these principles are especially true for LGBTQIA people, I think they’re valid for anyone who spends the holidays interacting with loved ones who hold different values. Taking some time to set boundaries helps us make intentional choices to ultimately live the gospel of love with thoughtful strength.

As you navigate the holidays with your family and friends, I pray you offer a round of compassion to yourself. This year is hard. Do the things that support your mental and spiritual health. Your dignity is worth it!